Bismillah...
Tik-tok, Tik-tok
Dalam gelapnya pejamku sayup-sayup aku dengar satu suara 'tik-tok, tik-tok'. Pelan-pelan aku kuatkan lagi pendengaranku, sampai tiba di hati dan pikiran. Pelan-pelan kupilah-pilah perlahan. Mana suara hati dan mana suara pikiranku. Satu demi satu aku pisahkan. Supaya mereka tidak lagi menggangguku dalam tidurku. Dalam pejamku sebelum tidur.
Dan begitu terus setiap hari. Kupilah-pilah.
Kemudian aku dengarkan mereka pelan-pelan. Sampai mulai aku tandai mereka. Satu... dua... tiga... Ah tidak penting ada berapa mereka. Kadang sedikit kadang banyak tergantung seberapa berat aku berpikir dan merasa.
Dan begi terus setiap hari.
Sampai mulai aku merasa kadang mereka hidup dalam sadarku. Aku ada banyak.
Pikiranku mulai mendominasi. Dia tidak ingin penyakit hati ini terulang lagi sampai pertahanan kini menjadi lebih mengerikan rasanya.
Aku siapa?
Dan begitu setiap hari.
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Friday, January 1, 2016
Lost
Bismillah...
It's January already. But I feel lost. Like. Literally lost.
Since September and getting worse since October, I've been living with a lot of burden. Like my last post. I feel like I want a suicide. But since I still remember that I have God, I choose to continue living. I just tell myself to write a post if I start feeling insecure or if that suicide thoughts coming. Like this moment.
I just can not decide what really myself want. Because my requirement of life is so simple: To be happy. To be grateful. And to be success.
I've been living for 22 years. And 2016, if Allah still give me chance, will be my 23th year of living. But 22 yo is the most complicated year I have ever experienced.
I feel like I did a lot of sins.
And 2016 will be my recovery year. I plan to 'downgrade' my salary by moving to another division at my office. To love myself better I decide to work something more enjoyable because my current job was too stressfull. Why not moving to another company? Because I still love my current company and I still had my 1-more-year contract.
I have some hard choices and I still can not decide what to choose. To start over or to continue.
Look. Like doing some writing like this helping myself a lot to think cooly and positively.
It is true that life is hard. But never forget that life is round. Sometime they give you sadness and next they give you happiness.
"Maya. Semangat ya. Aku akan terus kasih kamu semangat. Yha. Walaupun kadang semangat aja engga cukup" - Maya.
It's January already. But I feel lost. Like. Literally lost.
Since September and getting worse since October, I've been living with a lot of burden. Like my last post. I feel like I want a suicide. But since I still remember that I have God, I choose to continue living. I just tell myself to write a post if I start feeling insecure or if that suicide thoughts coming. Like this moment.
I just can not decide what really myself want. Because my requirement of life is so simple: To be happy. To be grateful. And to be success.
I've been living for 22 years. And 2016, if Allah still give me chance, will be my 23th year of living. But 22 yo is the most complicated year I have ever experienced.
I feel like I did a lot of sins.
And 2016 will be my recovery year. I plan to 'downgrade' my salary by moving to another division at my office. To love myself better I decide to work something more enjoyable because my current job was too stressfull. Why not moving to another company? Because I still love my current company and I still had my 1-more-year contract.
I have some hard choices and I still can not decide what to choose. To start over or to continue.
Look. Like doing some writing like this helping myself a lot to think cooly and positively.
It is true that life is hard. But never forget that life is round. Sometime they give you sadness and next they give you happiness.
"Maya. Semangat ya. Aku akan terus kasih kamu semangat. Yha. Walaupun kadang semangat aja engga cukup" - Maya.
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