Miss you, Mom

Bismillah…

Astagfirullah

Astagfirullah

Astagfirullah

Ma. Aku kangen banget hari ini. Kemarin Jumat, aku mampir ke makam Mama bareng Bapak. Seperti biasa, kita bacain Yasin. Tadinya aku udah pengen curhat panjang sama Mama, tapi karena ada Bapak. Aku malah ga ngomong apa-apa dan ga nangis juga, justru di perjalanan naik motor aku udah nangis duluan. Sehabis berdoa dan kasih bunga, Tante Desi dan Om Toyo dateng. Jadinya aku juga ga sempet ngomong ke makam Mama, deh.

Ma. Aku kangen banget hari ini. Kata Tante, kalau kangen aku disuruh istigfar dan berdoa. Kangen, sedekah. Kangen, zikir. Tapi, gapapa ya Ma, kalau kangen banget aku ngobrol di sini.

Ma. Gimana istirahatnya, tenang ga di dalam sana? Semoga Mama udah ga sakit lagi dan bisa tidur yang tenang ya. Semoga kita bisa ketemu lagi di afterlife nanti. Aamin.

Ma. Maafin aku ya. Di hari-hari terakhir Mama, aku ngerasa capek banget. Bapak juga ngerasa capek banget. Maafin aku, karena cuma aku yang nemenin Mama saat itu. Maafin aku, karena ga maksa Bapak ikut nemenin Mama juga hari itu. Karena, pas kita lagi capek kita semua saving energy dengan jaga Mama gantian. Maaf ya, Ma. Saat-saat terakhir Mama bukan dipelukan Bapak seperti keinginan Mama.

Ma. Aku kangen banget hari ini. Tapi semoga besok aku bangun tidur, bisa lanjut lagi jalani hari dan hidupku seperti biasa.

Love you, Ma. My dear, Mommy. Rest in peace, Mom. You’ve been thru a lot and can not sleep well. You can now rest forever, as much as you need. Nanti di surga, makan lagi yang banyak ya Ma. See you.

See you, Mom!

Bismillah…

Ma. Maya kangen. Izinin aku tulis di blog setiap kangen Mama, ya?

Al-Fatihah untuk Mamaku yang paling cantik sedunia.

—

It was April 19th, 2025. The day I see your last breath in this world. I still remember every second in that Emergency Room. ‘Forgive me, Mom’ ‘Maafin, ya Ma’ is the only words I can say at that time. I’m asking her forgiveness when she’s gone. Forgiveness for effort that maybe not maximal enough to help her during this hard time. Forgiveness that I’m tired when things get harder day by day.

I keep remembering her last words.

One day she saw me cut my hair, “Bagus rambutnya May, kalau potong gitu aja ya.”

When I’m asking for apologize after crying hard at hospital bcs that was my hardest day along 5 months. “Maafin ya Ma, kemarin aku capek banget, aku sayang Mama.”

“Iya. Mama juga sayang Maya. Mama cuma kaget aja.”

After that day, she rejects to sleep with me, just to ensure I have enough rest. I sleep in her room together in one bed, just to ensure I always aware of her. Eventho I couldn’t rest well. 

When I bring her to Ek* hospital ER bcs she had hard time last 3 days of her life, “Makasi ya May, uang Maya habis ya?”

When I help her to clean herself in the morning before went to office. “Makasi ya Maya. Cantik anak Mama.”

Ma. Maya kangen.

Istirahat yang tenang ya Ma di alam kubur, sampai bertemu di Surga nya Allah, insyaAllah.

Love you. See you in another post, Ma.

It’s Nearly 2023

 Bismillah…

Looking at my blog stats, there are some people reading this, so Hi! Whats up! Hope you guys in a good state and good health. Amin.

In my last post, I told my target is only to ‘keep my distance’ until end of year 2020. Turned out I can fully keep my distance starting 2021 and still doing it until now. I even try myself hard to try a new relationship with some of men but still nothing succeed haha, I don’t even feel sad for a breakup. Maybe I keep a distance too much that I really be too careful to have a mutual feeling.

And now I think I will try to focus on the present time instead of worrying what will happen in the future. What’s matter the most is do I feel happy and content now, today? Do I feel grateful and loved (by myself and my family)?

I also worked hard until I get promoted as Assistant Manager in July 2022. Due to my projects, I feel this year is moving way fast. But still Alhamdulillah for the opportunity and acknowledgement.

This year is remarkable tho. Get promoted and decided to have a KPR 😂 wish me luck! Can not wait to share with you here how it looks. It’s not big and not near Jakarta but still in an area that is developing. I feel this is an adult thing and I am adulting 🤣

So, this is the end of this post. Gotta get up from bed and start the day! See you! 

Have a good day.

Is it a silver lining or blessing in disguise?

Bismillah...

Wow the last post was exactly the same month last year, means it’s been a year. I can tell that last year was hard for me, mentally. I thought I already past my 2016 nightmare, but turned out last quarter of 2019 was my truest turning point.

I feel way better in 2020, Alhamdulillah. That’s why I wrote the tittle of this post like that. Of course 2020 is bad and terrifying for me and all of us. We all know that this pandemic is not over yet, while it’s nearly quarter 3 of 2020. We must always pray this pandemic will leave us this year. Despite of whatever our government do to handle this crisis, I will always try to do physical distancing, hand washing, and use mask to fight it. Please, so do you.

So.

The negative sides of this crisis was a lot, but having bad news everyday was slowly triggering me mentally. That I became afraid and insecure of living, and it’s bad. Before getting worse, I decide to stop consuming pandemic news, I didn’t even write the virus here in my blog. I change my way of thinking to compiling positive sides of what really happened in 2020, and focusing in myself.

The silver lining or blessing in disguise of this pandemic for me is ‘keep the distance’ of everything. Maintaining the distance of people makes me know everything less. There are a lot more time for me to understand myself better. It’s not lie that I miss socializing with friends and working face to face with my colleagues (while working from home and applying physical distancing policy). But, it’s not bad at all. I befriend myself, I’m loving myself.

My target for this year is not much. I will try to keep this ‘keep the distance’ in consistent until December.

Alhamdulillah.

Let us get better together. Please always guide us, Ya Allah. Amin. 💕

Start Over

Bismillah...

Sometimes I feel I’m okay. After struggling alone mentally, the past months.
But today I woke up feeling empty. I know, I miss you.
But I promised I won’t disturb you. I promised to myself to give you space, to start over our life in a better way.

If next life exists, I wish we could meet in a better situation.